


Let's Settle This Like Men

by Chiefchopstix



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Dialogue, F/M, Mild Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:42:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27427381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chiefchopstix/pseuds/Chiefchopstix
Summary: I guess this could be an alternate universe/What If(?) story. It was fun to write either way.
Relationships: Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Kudos: 34





	Let's Settle This Like Men

**Author's Note:**

> I guess this could be an alternate universe/What If(?) story. It was fun to write either way.

"Fox, I know I invited you to Sunday dinner, but I never expected to see you at Mass this morning with Dana," Maggie Scully said as she checked the roast in the oven.

"Dana suggested making a day out of it, so I said 'yes'. She's very persuasive," Mulder replied while helping Scully set the table.

Scully playfully elbowed Mulder in the ribs. "Mom? You have more than three settings of silverware. Are you expecting your bridge club too?" Scully asked.

Maggie came out of the kitchen drying her hands with a dishtowel, "No. It's part of the surprise. Bill and Tara are in town and are going to join us for dinner."

Mulder audibly gulped, then looked at Scully. "You weren't aware of this?" Mulder asked under his breath.

"No. The last I heard he was in Hawaii."

"What was that, Dana?" Her mom called from the kitchen.

"I thought Bill was somewhere in the Pacific?" Scully called back.

"His orders changed. He'll sail at the end of the year."

"I need a drink," Mulder commented as he lowered himself to a chair.

Scully placed her hand on his shoulder, "It will be fine. Bill's starting to warm up to you."

"Like a heat seeking missile."

The doorbell rang. "I'll get it. You two finish setting the table," she said as she hurried to the door. "Bill! Tara!"

"Hi, Mom," Bill said while hugging Maggie.

"Tara," Maggie lovingly embraced her daughter-in-law. "Where are the kids?"

"They're visiting my parents. They need to drive someone else crazy for a bit," Tara joked. "Besides, it gives Bill and I some time to relax. They'll be here for Christmas."

"Where's my little sister at?" Bill asked.

"I'm right here."

"Dana!" Bill exclaimed while lifting Scully in his arms. "Looks like you've been able to gain a little weight back since the cancer went into remission."

"Nothing gets past you, Bill."

Tara looked up and noticed Mulder nervously straightening his tie in the dining room, "Fox! What a wonderful surprise. Mom didn't say anything about you joining us for dinner."

"Just one of many surprises today," Mulder attempted to sound excited and jovial. 

Bill stood, grinding his teeth as he locked eyes with the man he blamed for disrupting his once happy family.

Before Bill had a chance to make any negative comments Scully intervened, "Fox attended church with me today."

"Really? Tell me, atheist. How was Mass?" Bill inquired.

"It was good. The priest talked about loving your fellow man," Mulder sarcastically responded, which got him another elbow in the ribs.

"Dinner is ready, so let's all sit down. We can catch up while we eat," Maggie diplomatically suggested.

Bill talked about the Navy. Tara showed pictures of the children. Scully gave updates about work and her health, while Mulder drank three beers and never breaking eye contact with Bill. 

"Tara? Dana? Would you help me with desert and coffee?" Maggie asked. All three women exited to the kitchen, leaving Bill and Mulder to their staring contest.

When the ladies returned both men had yet to move. Bill finished off the bottle of wine that was uncorked for dinner while Mulder finished his beer.

"So, Dana. You do look really good. You must be eating better," Tara commented.

"Yes, and no," Dana countered hesitantly.

Bill stopped staring at Mulder long enough to ask, "What does that mean, 'yes and no'?"

"Dana? Is everything okay?" Maggie asked with a hint of worry.

"Everything is great. Better than great. I feel amazing," Scully said while blushing and smiling.

"We'll, then what is it?" Bill asked impatiently.

"I'm pregnant. We're expecting," Scully held Mulder's hand tightly. "Mulder has asked me to marry him and I said 'yes'."

"WHAT?!" Bill jumped to his feet and began moving towards Mulder. 

Mulder took a defensive stance and placed Scully behind him, while Tara and Maggie tried their best to calm Bill down.

"How could you? And with him! He's tearing our family apart, and you sleep with him? Get pregnant by him? And now you plan to marry him?"

"Stop blaming Mulder for everything," Scully raised her voice at her brother. "He didn't kill Melissa. He didn't give me cancer!"

"What kind of spell has he put you under, besides one that made you his slut?!"

As soon as the words left Bill's mouth, Mulder made his way past all three Scully women, grabbed Bill by his necktie, and threw his right fist into Bill's left eye. Knocking him onto the dining room floor. Mulder's face was red with rage, "Don't you ever call Dana that again!"

Bill slowly rose from the floor, "You want to settle this like men? Let's settle this like men! Backyard....Now!" He stomped past his wife and mother, making his way to the backyard. Mulder followed suit.

"Boys, please don't!" Maggie yelled at the two men.

"Bill!" Tara yelled.

"Mulder!" Scully bolted after them.

Mulder removed his coat and tie, draping them over the porch railing. Bill did the same. Each man rolled up their shirtsleeves, and faced each other.

"I've been waiting for this day. I'm going to really enjoy messing up that Oxford educated face of yours, Mulder."

"Nice eye, Bill. That shade of purple matches your snazzy dress uniform."

"Boys, please stop!" Maggie yelled as loud as she could.

Bill ran towards Mulder, picked him up, and slammed him to the ground. He then straddled Mulder and began to punch him in the face. Blood began to ooze from Mulder's nose and mouth. Just as Bill was about to grab Mulder by the throat, Mulder grabbed him by his wrist and snapped it back. An audible crack could be heard as Bill screamed and fell onto his side. 

Mulder pulled Bill up by his hair, pulled his right fist back, and connected with Bill's nose. As Mulder was about to land another blow to Bill's face, Scully grabbed his arm crying and screaming, "Mulder! Please stop! Stop!"

Mulder looked at Scully's tears and fell backwards onto the lawn, breathing heavily. Scully leaned over him and checked his wounds. Tara did the same for Bill.

"His wrist is definitely broken," Tara said while assessing her husband's injury. 

"Mulder's nose is broken too," Scully said while holding a dish towel to Mulder's nose. "We should get them to the hospital."

"I'll drive," Maggie said.

The drive to the hospital was quiet, except for the occasional groan that arose each time Maggie intentionally drove over a manhole cover or pothole.

All five entered the emergency room together. Maggie headed for the admission desk, while Tara and Scully sat with Bill and Mulder in the lobby.

"How can I help you?" The admissions nurse asked.

"My son and son-in-law are hurt. One has a broken wrist, and the other has a broken nose," Maggie explained.

"Do you know how their injuries occurred?"

"They were defending our family honor."

"What?"

"They decided to settle a disagreement by beating the crap out of each other."

The nurse peered past Maggie, "Oh. I see. That makes sense." The nurse grabbed two sets of paperwork and two clipboards, "Have them fill out these forms. A nurse will be with them momentarily."

Maggie made her way to the lobby where the boys were being tended to by their spouses, and handed the clipboards to Scully and Tara. Both women stood up and moved to sit next to Maggie opposite Bill and Mulder. 

"I hate your fucking guts," Bill said while clutching his wrist.

"The feeling is mutual, asshole,". Mulder's voice was muffled by the blood soaked dishtowel.

As they both sat next to each other, Bill turned to face Mulder and asked, "Where did you learn that wrist move? Was it at Quantico?"

"No. Dana taught me it. She's a better hand-to-hand fighter than I am. You should see her whenever we recertify. She kicks the other male agents asses," Mulder said with pride and admiration.

"You really love Dana, don't you?"

"I can't imagine living without her."

"Have you and Dana set a wedding date?"

"We're tying the knot tomorrow morning," Mulder said dryly.

Bill chuckled, "Dana said you were funny. Church wedding or civil ceremony?" 

"Church. I want that for her," Mulder said thoughtfully.

Both men sat waiting for their names to be called. Mulder turned his head slowly towards Bill, "Would you be my best man?"

Bill extended his good hand, "It would be an honor, Fox." Both men shook each other's hand. Settling their argument like men.

The End

* The X-Files were created by Chris Carter.


End file.
